Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
“Fear is our natural, powerful emotional response to danger. As I have developed and grown in my understanding of myself, I have become aware that fear triggers a high emotional response in me in certain situations, which can be disabling and has led me at times to decline opportunities or step back from activities I know would have been ultimately beneficial.
The science behind this response links to our flight and flight response and is something we all experience at times, however, the personal triggers I recognise in myself often centre around my artwork and are not helpful, so I am determined to address them.”
I was recently approached by an existing client requesting a commissioned artwork in memory of someone significant they had lost very recently. I was very honoured by the request but also completely terrified in equal measure.
The word commission triggers deep seated memories in me around communication confusion, which in turn evokes a strong emotional response, which up until now has meant I have shied away from accepting commissions.
The range of emotions I experienced in response to this request precented as the familiar red flag and triggered significant limiting beliefs in myself as to my competency as an artist which I would liken to terror. I really didn't believe I could transpose the same level of competence in the painting the client already had from me into such an important bespoke commission.
“Love leaves a memory that no one can steal, but it can also leave heartache that is difficult to heal.”
Heartache is our human response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a strong bond or affection has formed. The honouring of this loss is a significant part of the grief process, so I really wanted to counter my fears and deliver this commission for my client.
Thankfully I now have a mentor and coach, so we discussed this through and devised a project management methodology that respected my deep-seated beliefs and fears but would keep the doubt and emotion at a cope able level, enabling me to push forward and accept the commission.
The plan included a staged approach, starting with small watercolour sketches, working up gradually in stages to the final piece, with client feedback embedded throughout the process. We also decided it would be a good idea to produce two paintings as an outcome, so that the client could choose which one best represented her desired outcome.
The client requested a 70cm square oil painting on board. I was very comfortable with the square format, but the size was out of my comfort zone. Also, as we were in our 3rd lockdown, I couldn’t make direct studies or photographs of the subject. The distance I would have to travel to gather the information needed for the painting was greater than lockdown rules allowed. Thankfully my mentor was able to take some photos for me as she was local to the location and then emailed them to me. We also asked the client to do the same.
While I was waiting for the photographs, I got a 70cm board cut from my local ironmonger that I sanded and applied a base coat of ordinary paint. After several layers of gesso and sanding I painted a final ground colour. I also spent several hours on the internet researching stretched 70cm canvases which proved virtually impossible especially with Brexit and lockdown, I had to buy stretcher bars and stretch my own canvas. I found a supplier that could send two pairs of stretcher bars in a narrow depth along with a centre bar. When the package eventually arrived, the centre bar didn’t quite fit, but I built the frame anyway and stretched the un-primed canvas, applying 2 coats of canvas sealer then several coats of gesso with lots of sanding in between.
However, I had a 3am moment when I realized the stretcher bars I had ordered were not the bars that had arrived, so more conversations with the art supply company followed and eventually the correct set of stretcher bars were sent.
My enthusiasm to get on with the canvas stretching got me into trouble so the original stretched canvas had to be deconstructed, all staples and centre bar removed and the whole thing had to be re-stretched, along with the second set of correct size bars constructed and stretched.
“Less haste more speed as the saying goes! Life is a constant learning curve which I now appreciate I need to embrace in order to learn and grow.”
I normally don’t work from photographs, but I had little choice in this case. I chose images I felt would work best with the client’s brief. I initially produced 8 x 12cm square watercolour sketches which I then emailed to my mentor who chose 6 to email to the client. She asked the client to make comments and choose 2 from which further studies would be made.
From the 2 chosen I produced 4 more watercolour sketches on paper, gradually increasing the size to 30cm square. I made two variations of the 2 original watercolours. I found that working from photographs on the computer could be quite useful as I was able to play with various filters. These 4 were then sent to my mentor who emailed the client to solicit more comments and choices. Two of the four were chosen – 1 of each watercolour.
Now the dilemma. I had to produce 2 final large watercolour sketches for the client to make her final decision. I was panicking as I didn’t think I had large enough paper to produce 2 – 60cm watercolours or enough watercolours for a study that large. We were still in lockdown and I couldn’t get in the car to buy any supplies. I talked all this through with my mentor. Being able to express my feelings of inadequacy and frustration had a calming affect; I didn’t feel as though I was alone. I felt supported and eventually produced two 60cm watercolour sketches on paper that were sent to the client for her thoughts.
Result… one was chosen which also happened to be the one I would have picked!! This will make for a happier painting/s.
I now feel confident I will create something that truly reflects my clients desires and aspirations and will do justice to her treasured memories.
Watch out for my next blog when I will talk about coping and countering procrastination to get on with the paintings.
